The Husband Store

Thanks to Andro for this joke, Andro is the guy behind "MY THOUGHT EXACTLY" (http://genkuro.blogspot.com/ )


A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , Where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch ........

You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building !

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Now, I Love Mc Do...lol!

How to Start a Fight...?

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
***********

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started...
***********

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
So, I took her to a gas station..
And then the fight started...
***********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,
and my wife kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' She sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said to my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
***********

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Naaah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
***********

A woman is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started...
***********

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
***********

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
***********

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed..

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first:

the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'
And then the fight started... !

Husband, Wife...after marriage...

Husband...



Wife...



DICTIONARY FOR MEN/WOMEN

WOMEN'S WORDS

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Fine, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you idiot!

10. You're very attentive tonight = is s@x all you ever think about?



MEN'S WORDS

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = let's have s@x now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have s@x?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have s@x with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have s@x with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have s@x with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have s@x with you

Diary of a Six Day's Bahamas Cruise

DEAR DIARY ... DAY ONE
My husband and I are all packed and ready to get on
the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and
make-up. I'm really excited.

DEAR DIARY .. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and
we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful
vacation this has started to be. My husband spent most
of the day gambling. I met the Captain today and he
seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some
shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck.
The Captain invited us to join him at his table for
dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He
is a very attractive and attentive gentleman. My
husband spent more time gambling.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino ... did OK .. won about $80.
My husband wanted to stay and gamble more. The Captain
invited me to have dinner with him in his state room.
We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and
champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I
declined. I told him there was no way I could be
unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little
sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend
the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and
bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming
gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the
night and again I declined. He told me that if I
didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the
ship. I was appalled. My husband spent most of the
night gambling.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIX- My husband spent most of the
day gambling.
I saved 1600 lives today .... twice !!!!

Birthday Gift ...

A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said...

"I dont know what to get my wife for her birthday, she has everything and besides she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped".

His buddy said "I have an idea, why dont you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it, she'll probably be thrilled". So the fellow did.

The next day his buddy said "Well, did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did" said the fellow.
"Did she like it?" his buddy saked.
"Oh yes, she jumped, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and run out the door, yelling"...

"I'll be back in an hour!!"

Husband and Wife...again...!

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up.

The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to thing by saying boldly...

"After our second child, I"ll just have a vasectomy."

Without the moment's hesitation, the bride said, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own".

---

My wife asked me to buy an organic vegetable from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old tired looking employee and said "These vegetables are for my wife, have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

The old guy looked at me and said, "No, you'll have to do it yourself."

---

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approched the Pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where Im to promise to love, honor and obey and forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever, I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."

He passed the Pastor $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.

When the time comes for the groom's vow's, the Pastor looks at the young man in the eyes and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes", then leaned toward the Pastor and hissed:

"I thought we had a deal?"

The Pastor put a $100 bill in to the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

Want to be 6 again...

Want to be 6 again...

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be six again,"she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice Big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, a hot-dog,popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

Wife...oh wife...

Cleptomaniac wife...

kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had to appear in court, taking along her long-suffering husband for marital support.
The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the judge told her that, considering her record, he was forced to impose a jail term.

"This time you stole a can of tomatoes. There were six tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?"

The woman agreed.

"Then I sentence you to six nights in jail."

The husband jumped to his feet, addressing the judge, "Your honor, may I approach the bench?"

"Well," said his honor, "this is somewhat unusual but I will make an exception in this case. You may approach the bench."

The husband wasted no time getting there and, leaning forward, he said in a low voice, "She also stole a can of peas."

------

Mean wife...

A sixteen-year-old boy drove into the driveway with a new Porsche. His parents gave him the once over.

"Where did you get that car?!"
He calmly replied, "I bought it."

With what? We know what a Porsche costs."

With my allowance," said the boy, "this one only cost me twenty bucks."Twenty dollars?

Who would sell you a car like that for twenty dollars?
That lady up the street,said the boy.I don't know her name, but she saw me ride by on my bike and she asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for twenty dollars."
Something's wrong here. I'm going to go right up there and see about this,said his father.

But when the dad got there, he found the lady calmly planting petunias in her front yard!
"Did you sell a car to my son?"
"Yes, I did," she replied. "For how much?" Twenty dollars." You did? Really? Why?"......

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was away on a business trip, but last night I learned from a friend that he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and didn't intend to come back. He told me that he was stranded, needed money right away and I should sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did!"

Last request...

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did, " said the wife.

"I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

Husband and Wife (A Mobile...A Train...)

Pls try again later.

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.
After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.

Women!!

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure. People from he neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was.
The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.
Junior said "The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present.

Please Try Again Later

-----

Waiting for a Train...

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago.

On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife.
When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said:

"You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."
The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.

Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.

The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in.

"What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager replies:

"Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

MARRIAGE..Marriage..marriage...

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.


At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."


Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.


Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.


A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying"


Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.


Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."


Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks And the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.


After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."


It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."


When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.


God says to Adam, "What would you like in a wife?" "Hmmm," says Adam, "I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I'd like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me." "Hmmmm", God says, "I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." "Oh," says Adam, "Well what can I get for a rib?"

Mother Inlaw...

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work,
"I have great news for you.
Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said,
"I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning,
my mother moves in with us."

---

The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had thrown into the yard scoots back into the house.
They don't want the cat shut in the house because "he" always tries to eat the bird..
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.
"He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long," he says.
"Stupid b**** was hiding under the bed.
Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked. I hauled her fat *** downstairs and threw her into the backyard!!"

The driver was shocked and the wife was speechless!

Wife, First timer..(yellow green joke)

The bride tells her husband,

"Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.

So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Simply turning his head, He YELLS at her,

"Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY?"

Whether ur here or not...

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you."

"I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner."

"I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it."

Those are my rules...

Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that
there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.........
whether you're here or not."

Husband and Wife jokes..

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think, a person could go on celebrating
that long?"

-----

Wife: Honey? What are you looking for?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?
Husband: I was just looking for the expiry date.

-----

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

-----

A man's wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her looks years younger. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Hon, honestly now, what age would you say I am?"
He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, hon, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, mmmm, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you're so sweet!" gushed the wife.

"Well, hang on," he replied, "I'm not done adding it up yet."

Husband..no need to get up early..

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,

"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear. "And they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife,."Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning...You don't.

Hearing Aids..

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used
to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called
the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal
test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a
better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do,"
said the Doctor, "stand about
40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational
speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet,
and s o on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen
cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away,
let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks,
"Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen,
about 30 feet from his wife and repeats,
"Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where
he is about 20 feet from his wife
and asks, "Honey , what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's
for
dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her.

"Honey, what's for dinner?"


(you'll just love this!)

James, for the FIFTH time I've said, "CHICKEN!"

Wanna get Married...?

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was,

"Yes, lollipop...but at the bar...you know...they
have frozen glasses."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
"You want a frozen glass, puppyface?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just
holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said,
"Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.
I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"

She opened the oven and took out
5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: Chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

"LISTEN UP, D***HEAD! DRINK YOUR F***ING BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER-F***ING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, & YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, AS**OLE?"

...and, they lived happily ever after.

Husband of the Year Award.

Husband of the Year Award goes to...







3rd Place goes to: Greece












2nd place goes to: Serbia













And the Winner of the Husband of the Year is:











Ireland





Ya gotta Love the Irish,






The Irish are true romantic, look, he's even holding her hand.



HONORABLE mentions.









Virginia











North Carolina







and my favorite