Priest and a Boy

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said.
" I am a Father."
The little boy replied.
"My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered.
"I am the Father of many."
The boy said. "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!
The priest, getting impatient, said.
"I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said. "Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar."

Government Service

(photo credit to gnisnal from photobucket)



A guy went to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asked him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replied "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he said, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer said, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asked, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy said, "Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaced and said, "OK, you've got enough points to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 a.m., and plan on starting at 10:00 a.m. every day."
The guy was puzzled and said, "If the work hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m., why don't you want me to be here until 10:00 a.m.?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer said, "For the first two hours, we stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that..."

Getting Old...

(photo credit to tistelblomst, from photobucket)

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, 'SURELY I DON’T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL…. YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE! MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS ALMOST 40 YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.. 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1969. WHY DO YOU ASK?' 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

Good Business idea!

This time of Recession, we have to come up with the good ideas ..... or good business!

Stevie Wonder in China.

(Hey guy's, its just a joke and didn't mean to make fun of Chinese pals)

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed
to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.
One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the
top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's
career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale
and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10
minutes.When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The chap
jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a
jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is,
dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band
around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place
apart. The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of

his musical expertise. But, still the little Chinese man
jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Stevie is really pissed off now that this chap doesnt seem to
appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage

" OK smart arse, you get up here and do it".

The little bloke climbs onto the stage,takes hold of the mike and

starts to sing........ ....

"A jazz chord to say , I luv you..."

Hi-Tech Eh!

(Photo credit to hyperalert, from photobucket)

THREE LADIE'S AT THE SAUNA...

TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN,
WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING
SOUND.

THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM
AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY
PAGER,' SHE SAID.. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY
MOBILE PHONE.. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE,

SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.

SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........

WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!

F---ing!

(photo credit to cecileeshull, from photobucket)



O eto para sa mga wala pang karansan sa F---ing!

Frequently Asked Question About F--ing

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe f---?
A. Although married people f--- often, there are many single
people who f--- complete strangers every day.

Q. How do I go about f---ing a complete stranger?
A. Just ask them if they want to f---. If they do, they will
give you their phone number.

Q. My parents say they never had f--- when they were young, and
were only allowed to write memo's to each other until they
were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they
can f---?
A. F---ing can be performed at any age once you learn the
correct procedure.

Q. If I f--- something to myself will I go blind?
A. Certainly not. As far as we can see.

Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay
to f---. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their f--- drives
and must pay a "professional" when their needs become too great.

Q. Should a cover always be used for f---ing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are f---ing, a
cover should always be used.

Q. What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and f---
prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people f--- prematurely when they haven't
f---ed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind
if you try again.

Q. I have a personal and a business f---. Can transmissions
become mixed up?
A. Being bi-f---ual can be confusing, but so long as you use a
cover with each one you won't transmit anything you're not
supposed to.

Q. Is getting f---ed by one person the same as with another?
A. No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would
like you to believe that the longer they are f---ing you the
better you will like it. In reality the best f--- is short,
of high quality, and very graphic.

Q. There is a man I'd very much like to f--- (I've tried
several times) but he can't seem to keep his equipment
up long enough.
Is there any thing I can do to help him?
A. You could suggest that he contact a good f--- therapist, such
as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion,
it would be best if you just wrote him off.

Syak ka no, mali ka don..... FAXING yon!

IDIOT SIGHTING.

(photo credit to classyladytwo, from photobucket)

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..
We haven't used Sears repair since.




IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..
Do not confuse the clerks at McDonald's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!' I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman , KS .




IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

Life Begin's at 40...!

(photo credit to jester121172, from photobucket)


THE TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR THOSE OVER
FORTY YEARS OLD

1. Focus on enjoying people, not on indulging in or accumulating material things.

2. Plan to spend whatever you have saved. You deserve to enjoy it and the few healthy years you have left. Travel if you can afford it. Don't leave anything for your children or loved ones to quarrel about. By leaving anything, you may even cause more trouble when you are gone.

3. Live in the here and now, not in the yesterdays and tomorrows. It is only today that you can handle. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow may not even happen.

4. Enjoy your grandchildren (if you are blessed with any) but don't be their full time baby sitter. You have no moral obligation to take care of them. Don't have any guilt about refusing to baby sit anyone's kids, including your own grandkids. Your parental obligation is to your children. After you have raised them into responsible adults, your duties of child-rearing and babysitting are finished. Let your children raise their own offsprings.

5. Accept physical weakness, sickness and other physical pains.. It is a part of the aging process. Enjoy whatever your health can allow.

6. Enjoy what you are and what you have right now. Stop working hard for what you do not have. If you do not have them, It's probably too late..

7. Just enjoy your life with your spouse, children, grandchildren and friends. People, who truly love you, love you for yourself, not for what you have. Anyone who loves you for what you have will just give you misery.

8. Forgive and accept forgiveness. Forgive yourself and others. Enjoy peace of mind and peace of soul.

9. Befriend death.. It's a natural part of the life cycle. Don't be afraid of it. Death is the beginning of a new and better life. So, prepare yourself not for death but for a new life with the Almighty.

10. Be at peace with your Creator. For. . . He is all you have after you leave this life....

Wohooo, its BEACH time...

(WARNING: da ingglis of this blog is full of wrong grammar, read at your own risk, dont blame me later, just ask for bonamine after reading this)


YuP, winter is approaching,and i must tell that I hate hate hate winter....why?
Why? I need a lot of clothes with me atleast, my knee/bones starts fighting each other, and my nose bleeds.

YuP, not only using english language makes my nose bleeds, also winter.
So, I start making a plan where to go this coming winter holiday, atleast to a tropical country.

Last summer, I spent my winter holiday to Brazil, where I confidently show my figure (giggling), but this time I must get a more revealing bikini and sexier than last holiday.

I was sooo giggle last summer, Its really fun to know that everyone's attention was mine hihihi, everyone are excited to get a snap with me, I was so famous that time, and everyone stalked me.

Oh, by the way, let me share you my pictures last holiday....








hihihi, see? they are all excited.




damn! everyone follows me.




even this child cannot resist my byuti.




i was sooo feeling famous with this paparazzi's




haaay, twas really fun.




haaaay, life is good.




bye folks, i must go, have a date this
evening!

710... errrr...OIL

A woman came in a Garage and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.
All looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred- ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one.. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710 !!

He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

Now go to the photo below to learn what a 710 is..........















Women ?

The mechanic fainted!!

Gabriel's Horn...

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved.
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun "Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

The Wheels of Life...

With this in mind, I bought myself a new scooter. I wanted something
that was easy on gas and could zip me to the store and about town.
This seems to meet my EVERY need.

I Love it!


Remember:
Senior Citizens Are Valuable:
We are more valuable than any of the younger generations:
We have silver in our hair.
We have gold in our teeth.
We have stones in our kidneys.
We have lead in our feet and.
We are loaded with natural gas!

Diary of a Six Day's Bahamas Cruise

DEAR DIARY ... DAY ONE
My husband and I are all packed and ready to get on
the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and
make-up. I'm really excited.

DEAR DIARY .. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and
we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful
vacation this has started to be. My husband spent most
of the day gambling. I met the Captain today and he
seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some
shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck.
The Captain invited us to join him at his table for
dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He
is a very attractive and attentive gentleman. My
husband spent more time gambling.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino ... did OK .. won about $80.
My husband wanted to stay and gamble more. The Captain
invited me to have dinner with him in his state room.
We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and
champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I
declined. I told him there was no way I could be
unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little
sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend
the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and
bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming
gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the
night and again I declined. He told me that if I
didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the
ship. I was appalled. My husband spent most of the
night gambling.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIX- My husband spent most of the
day gambling.
I saved 1600 lives today .... twice !!!!

Little boy...

One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother's
broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark.
He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was
cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing.



She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was.
She then asked him to please go get it.



The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and
didn't want to go out to get the broom. His mother smiled and said
'The Lord is out there too, don't be afraid'.
The little boy opened the back door a little and said
'Lord if you're out there, hand me the broom'.

How to Shower...?

How to shower like a woman:

Take off all your clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry basket, according to whites and coloureds. Walk to the bathroom wearing a long dressing gown. If you see hubby on the way cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make a mental note to do more Sit-ups. Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth and long loofah and, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for ten minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and Java cake body rub. Shave armpits and legs, turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with shower shine. Get out of shower and dry with a towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel.Return to bedroom in long dressing gown with towel on head, if you see hubby along the way cover any exposed areas.



How to Shower like a man:

Take off all clothes while sitting on edge off bed, leave in pile at feet.

Walk naked to the bathroom if you see wife along the way shake your manhood at her making a whoo hoo noise. Look at your manly physique in the mirror, admire the size of your manhood and scratch your arse.

Get in the shower and wash your face, wash your armpits. Blow your nose into your hands and let the water rinse it off. Fart, and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.Spend the majority of your time washing your privates and surrounding area.

Wash your bum leaving those coarse hairs stuck to the soap. Shampoo hair and make a shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off and fail to notice the water on the floor. Admire manhood size in mirror again, leave shower door open, leave wet mark on floor and leave light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist, if you pass your wife, drop towel shake your manhood at her, and make a whoo hoo noise again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

I Found a new Job...you like?

Dear Friends,

Im fed up with this job, so I took a brave decision today.

I would like to inform each and everyone of you of my decision. I am leaving this company as I have got a small job as a football coach. It is quite far from here... Anyways, I will miss you guys.

Wishing you all the best of luck for your future.

Keep in touch,

P.S: I am attaching a small photograph of the team that I am going to coach there.

v

v

v

v

v

v

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The Habitual Mistake...

An employee walks into the Accounts office and says "What is the meaning of this. I have been paid $200 less than what was decided upon."
The Accountant replies "I know about it, but you did not complain when we paid $200 extra by mistake last month."

The employee snaps back "Yeah, I can bear with occasional mistakes but when you make it a habit I think I need to report."

Father and Son...

There was a Chinese father who was very close to his son. They used to go everywhere together including looking for "chicken" (Chinese slang for prostitute).

One day, the son decided to go overseas for study. The father was very supportive, and before his son left, the father told him, "We cannot look for chicken together for the next few years. However, if you need to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it."
But please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your mother will not suspect.

So the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill from the son.....(shooting bird - $500). Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird is more than $1000.
Well, the father could not tolerate this, so he wrote to his son. "Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper one."

A month later, the father received another bill from his son. On it he had written:

Shooting Bird - $50
Rifle Repair - $2,000

Who will be Incharge...?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.



"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."



"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."



"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."



"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."



"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."



"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.


The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge