Government Service

(photo credit to gnisnal from photobucket)



A guy went to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asked him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replied "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he said, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer said, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asked, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy said, "Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaced and said, "OK, you've got enough points to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 a.m., and plan on starting at 10:00 a.m. every day."
The guy was puzzled and said, "If the work hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m., why don't you want me to be here until 10:00 a.m.?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer said, "For the first two hours, we stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that..."

Getting Old...

(photo credit to tistelblomst, from photobucket)

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, 'SURELY I DON’T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL…. YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE! MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS ALMOST 40 YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.. 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1969. WHY DO YOU ASK?' 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

Stevie Wonder in China.

(Hey guy's, its just a joke and didn't mean to make fun of Chinese pals)

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed
to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.
One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the
top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's
career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale
and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10
minutes.When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The chap
jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a
jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is,
dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band
around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place
apart. The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of

his musical expertise. But, still the little Chinese man
jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Stevie is really pissed off now that this chap doesnt seem to
appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage

" OK smart arse, you get up here and do it".

The little bloke climbs onto the stage,takes hold of the mike and

starts to sing........ ....

"A jazz chord to say , I luv you..."

LESS...Less...less...

TRUTH: 21st Century





Our communication - Wireless







Our telephone - Cordless







Our cooking - Fireless








Our youth - Jobless






Our food - Fatless






Our Labour - Effortless






Our conduct - Worthless






Our relation - Loveless






Our attitude - Careless






Our feelings - Heartless







Our follies - Countless







Our arguments - Baseless







Our Job - Thankless






Our Salary - Very less.








LAST BUT NOT LEAST...









Our BO$$ - Brainless

What's for Dinner...?

Cant eat pork,
Swine Flu.





Cant eat chicken,
Bird Flu.





Cant eat beef,
Mad Cow.



Cant eat egg,
Salmonella.




Cant eat fish,
Heavy metal poison in their waters.

Cant eat fruits and veggies,
Insecticides and herbicides.




M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M



I believe that leaves Chocolate and ice cream!!!!!!!!
Remember - - - 'STRESSED'
spelled backwards! is
'DESSERTS'

Bad News...

(Pls no offense, joke lang po...)


KUMIRIRING ang telepono nang madaling araw....

"Hello, Master Carlos? Si Arnaldo po ito, 'yung katiwala niyo sa bahay-bakasyunan niyo."

"O, Mr. Arnaldo, ikaw pala. Ano't napatawag ka? May problema ba?

"Um, napatawag lang po ako para abisuhan kayo na namatay ang alaga niyong parrot."

"'Yung parrot kong si Pikoy, patay? 'Yung nanalo sa bird show?

"Opo, Master Carlos, 'yun na nga po."

"Putris ... sayang! Ang laki pa naman ng nagastos ko sa ibong 'yon. Hay, buhay!

Teka, ano nga ba ang ikinamatay niya?"

"E, kumain po kasi ng bulok na karne...."

"Bulok na karne? At sino namang salbaheng tao ang nagpakain sa kanya ng bulok na karne?"

"W-Wala po. Nanginain po siya ng karne ng isang patay na kabayo."

"Patay na kabayo? Anong patay na kabayo, Mr Arnaldo?"

"E, 'yun pung mga thoroughbred horses niyo, Sir. Namatay po kasi lahat sila sa pagod, kahihila ng kariton ng tubig."

"Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait? Anong kariton ng tubbbiiiiggggg?"

"'Yun pong pinampatay namin ng sunog."

"Diyos ko po! Anong sunog naman 'yang pinagsasasabi mo?"

"'Yun pong halos tumupok sa bahay niyo.... Tumumba po 'yung isang nakasinding kandila, tapos nagliyab 'yung kurtina at mabilis na kumalat ang apoy...."

"Ano? Puuut.... E, may kuryente naman diyan sa bahay-bakasyunan, a. Para saan 'yung kandila?"

"Para sa burol po."

"Ano? Kaninong burol?

"Sa nanay n'yo po, Sir. Bigla kasi siya dumating dito nu'ng isang gabi, walang kaabi-abiso. Lampas hatinggabi na. Akala ko po magnanakaw. Binaril ko."

********


Nag-aaral ako sa La Salle.

Ang dami kong kaklaseng Intsik. Apelyidong Uy, Lim, Tan, Co, Go,
Chua,
Chi, Sy, Wy, at kung anu-ano pa. Pero sa kanilang lahat kay Gilbert
Go ako
naging malapit. Mayaman si Gilbert kaya mangyari pa, madalas siya ang
taya
sa tuwing gigimik ang barkada.

Isang araw na-ospital ang kanyang ama. Sinamahan ko siya sa pagdalaw.
Nasa
ICU na noon ang kanyang ama dahil sa stroke. Naron din ang ilan sa
kanyang
malalapit na kamag-anak.

Nag-usap sila. Intsik ang kanilang usapan.... hindi ko maintindihan.

Pagkatapos ng ilang minutong usap-usap, nagkayayaan nang umuwi. Maiwan
daw
muna ako at pakibantayan ang kanyang ama habang inihahatid nya ang
kanyang
mga kamag-anak palabas ng ospital. Lumipat ako sa gawing kaliwa ng
kama ng
kanyang ama para ilapag ang mga iniwan nilang mga gamit na
kakailanganin ng
magbabantay sa ospital. Nang akmang ilalapag ko na ay biglang nangisay
ang
matanda.

Hinahabol nya ang kanyang hininga... Kinuyom nya ang kanyang palad at
paulit-ulit siyang nagsalita ng wikang intsik na hindi ko maintindihan.
"Di ta guae yong khee"..... "Di ta guae yong khee"... "Di ta guae yong
khee".. paulit-ulit nya itong binigkas bago siya malagutan ng hininga.

Pagbalik ni Gilbert ay patay na ang kanyang ama. Ikinagulat nya ang
pangyayari ngunit marahil ay tanggap na rin nya na papanaw na ang
kanyang
ama. Walang tinig na namutawi sa kanyang bibig. Ngunit iyon na yata
ang
pinakamasidhing pagluha na nasaksihan ko.

Nagpa-alam muna ako, dahil siguradong magdadatingan uli ang kanyang mga
kamag-anak.

Sumakay ako ng taksi pauwi. Habang nasa taksi.. tinawagan ko ang iba
pa
naming kabarkada. Una kong tinawagan si Noel Chua. Dahil marunong si
Noel
mag-intsik, tinanong ko muna kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng "Di ta guae
yong
khee".

"Huwag mong apakan ang oxygen. "... "Bakit saan mo ba narinig 'yan?".

Kaagad kong inihagis ang aking Cell sa bintana ng taksi...