Date: Thursday, December 14, 2006, 9:00 AM
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvementand has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboardskan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20%shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should goaway.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such asreplasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer,ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evri vun vil findit ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Office Memo.
Importance of proper instructions!
This is what happened when a certain company posted on the following memo:
OFFICE MEMO:
May all members of staff please note that there will only be one drink per person at this year's Office Annual Party.
And please bring your own cup !
Regards,
Management
Scroll down to see what happened!
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JOKES, JOkes, jokes...
SHOW HIM YOUR CARD!
A North Carolina Highway Department employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer..
"I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.
" The old farmer said, "OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.
" The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, "I have the authority of the State of North Carolina to go any where I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish.
" So the old farmer went about his farm chores. It wasn't too much later that the farmer heard loud screams and yelling.
He looked over and saw the Highway Dept. employee running for his life and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull.
The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the employee at every step. The old farmer yelled out..
"Show him your card"!!!
---*---*---*---
GOOD MEDICAL ADVICE:
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders", this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's, Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's.
''That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.
Well, what am I supposed to do now?
The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home,
"don't sleep with him".
A North Carolina Highway Department employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer..
"I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.
" The old farmer said, "OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.
" The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, "I have the authority of the State of North Carolina to go any where I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish.
" So the old farmer went about his farm chores. It wasn't too much later that the farmer heard loud screams and yelling.
He looked over and saw the Highway Dept. employee running for his life and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull.
The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the employee at every step. The old farmer yelled out..
"Show him your card"!!!
---*---*---*---
GOOD MEDICAL ADVICE:
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders", this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's, Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's.
''That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.
Well, what am I supposed to do now?
The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home,
"don't sleep with him".
---*---*---*---
BETWEEN THE LEGS OF MY WIFE:
John O ' Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here ' s to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here ' s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside my wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John ' s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know, he ' s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.
---*---*---*---
KAWAWANG MAGULANG:
Dear Anak,
Naipadala ko na ang 50 thousand pan tuition mo, pinagbili nanamin yung kalabaw natin.
Ang mahal pala ng counterstrike na kurso! Walana rin pala tayo mga baboy, naipagbili na rin namin para dun sa sinasabi mong project, Nokia N75 ba yun?
Ang mahal naman ng project mo! Kasama din dun yung 7 thousand para sa field trip nyo sa Mall of Asia. Malayo ba yun, bakit ang mahal?
Isasanla pa namin yung palayan natin para mabili mo yung instrumento mong ipod. Napailaw nyo na ba yung pinagpupuyatan nyong sanmig lights? sana makagraduate ka.
Nagmamahal,
Nanay & Tatay
(kainis noh? sarap dagukan kung anak mo buti nalang di totoo toh)
Airline Humour
Airline Cabin Announcements:
Airline attendants make an effort to make the inflight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
CONTINENTAL AIRLINES:
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies andgentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
JAPAN AIR LINES:
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
BRITISH AIRWAYS:
As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will bedistributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
AMERICAN AIRLINES:
Overheard on an American Airlines flight in to Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
QANTAS AIRWAYS:
Another flight attendant comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
NORTHWEST AIRLINES:
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
PHILIPPINE AIR LINES:
We're now preparing to land at San Francisco International Airport. Kindly straighten up your seats, turn off all electronic gadgets, pull up your window shades and buckle up for safety. We hope you enjoyed flying with us as much as we did. Sa wikang atin po, tayo po ay papalapag na sa paliparang pangkalawakang internasyonal ng San Francisco. Paalala po lamang sa ating mga kababayan -- ang mga unan, kumot, headset at iba pang kagamitan sa eroplano ay di po kasama sa pasalubong. Huwag po lamang baklasin ang LCD-TV na nakadikit sa silya.
Airline attendants make an effort to make the inflight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
CONTINENTAL AIRLINES:
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies andgentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
JAPAN AIR LINES:
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
BRITISH AIRWAYS:
As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will bedistributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
AMERICAN AIRLINES:
Overheard on an American Airlines flight in to Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
QANTAS AIRWAYS:
Another flight attendant comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
NORTHWEST AIRLINES:
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
PHILIPPINE AIR LINES:
We're now preparing to land at San Francisco International Airport. Kindly straighten up your seats, turn off all electronic gadgets, pull up your window shades and buckle up for safety. We hope you enjoyed flying with us as much as we did. Sa wikang atin po, tayo po ay papalapag na sa paliparang pangkalawakang internasyonal ng San Francisco. Paalala po lamang sa ating mga kababayan -- ang mga unan, kumot, headset at iba pang kagamitan sa eroplano ay di po kasama sa pasalubong. Huwag po lamang baklasin ang LCD-TV na nakadikit sa silya.
Master Card Wedding.
OUCH!!!
YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE THIS GUY...
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, 'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.' He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.This guy has balls the size of church bells.Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this?
YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE THIS GUY...
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, 'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.' He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.This guy has balls the size of church bells.Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000
Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD
'Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos-- what you do today,
might burn your ass tomorrow......'
'Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos-- what you do today,
might burn your ass tomorrow......'
HOUSES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS
ARE YOU ONE OF US?
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER:
BRITNEY SPEARS:
KALVIN KLEIN:
ELTON JOHN:
GEORGE MICHAEL:
MADONNA:
MARIAH CAREY:
MICHAEL JACKSON:
MICHAEL JORDAN:
MICHAEL SCHUMACHER:
MIKE TYSON:
PETE SAMPRAS:
PHIL COLLINS:
RONALDO:
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MINE UNDERCONSTRUCTION:
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DONT WORRY IT WILL FINISH SOON!
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER:
BRITNEY SPEARS:
KALVIN KLEIN:
ELTON JOHN:
GEORGE MICHAEL:
MADONNA:
MARIAH CAREY:
MICHAEL JACKSON:
MICHAEL JORDAN:
MICHAEL SCHUMACHER:
MIKE TYSON:
PETE SAMPRAS:
PHIL COLLINS:
RONALDO:
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MINE UNDERCONSTRUCTION:
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DONT WORRY IT WILL FINISH SOON!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
LEASING vs PURCHASING.
The math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year relationship (which would NOT have happened!) it ended up costing him $26,849 per time.
This is Heather.
On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl, Kristen, an absolute stunner with a body like no other, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything!
This is Kristen.
Had Paul McCartney 'employed' Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a saving of $41.7 million).
Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests, ability to put BOTH legs around you (!!!), no bitching and complaining or 'to do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when you ask her. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.
Sometimes renting makes far more sense.
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year relationship (which would NOT have happened!) it ended up costing him $26,849 per time.
This is Heather.
On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl, Kristen, an absolute stunner with a body like no other, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything!
This is Kristen.
Had Paul McCartney 'employed' Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a saving of $41.7 million).
Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests, ability to put BOTH legs around you (!!!), no bitching and complaining or 'to do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when you ask her. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.
Sometimes renting makes far more sense.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
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