Wife...oh wife...

Cleptomaniac wife...

kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had to appear in court, taking along her long-suffering husband for marital support.
The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the judge told her that, considering her record, he was forced to impose a jail term.

"This time you stole a can of tomatoes. There were six tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?"

The woman agreed.

"Then I sentence you to six nights in jail."

The husband jumped to his feet, addressing the judge, "Your honor, may I approach the bench?"

"Well," said his honor, "this is somewhat unusual but I will make an exception in this case. You may approach the bench."

The husband wasted no time getting there and, leaning forward, he said in a low voice, "She also stole a can of peas."

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Mean wife...

A sixteen-year-old boy drove into the driveway with a new Porsche. His parents gave him the once over.

"Where did you get that car?!"
He calmly replied, "I bought it."

With what? We know what a Porsche costs."

With my allowance," said the boy, "this one only cost me twenty bucks."Twenty dollars?

Who would sell you a car like that for twenty dollars?
That lady up the street,said the boy.I don't know her name, but she saw me ride by on my bike and she asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for twenty dollars."
Something's wrong here. I'm going to go right up there and see about this,said his father.

But when the dad got there, he found the lady calmly planting petunias in her front yard!
"Did you sell a car to my son?"
"Yes, I did," she replied. "For how much?" Twenty dollars." You did? Really? Why?"......

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was away on a business trip, but last night I learned from a friend that he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and didn't intend to come back. He told me that he was stranded, needed money right away and I should sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did!"