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There once was a man who decided he hated his life in the city, and that he was going to live in a nudist colony instead.
As he was a respected man, he decided it would be best for him to just say he was moving to New York. After a few months of naked bliss, he got a letter from his mother saying, "Dear son, as I have no recent photos of you, can you please send me the most recent one you have? Love, Mum."
Well, the man didn't have any photos of himself that didn't show him naked, so he decided to chop one in half and send just the top half. A few weeks later, he got a letter from his mum saying, "Thanks for the photo, and could you send another to your grandma?" And so he did, BUT...he made a mistake and sent her the wrong half. The man got really upset but then remembered his Gran's poor eyesight, and he decided it would be okay.
Two weeks later, he gets a letter back from his Gran saying: "Dear Jerry, I think your photo is great. But you really should change your hairstyle, as it makes your nose look too big."
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Mother's worst nightmare...
Mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers:
1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly.
She did check on him often to see if he had learned the lesson, and heard 1,2,3,4,5,6,7.
She was very happy until one day she checked and heard 3-5, 3-5, 3-5.
Team Sex..
A young man in his late 20's goes into a bar, sits down and starts to have a beer. An attractive woman sits down beside him and starts flirting with him.
After a few more beers, she asks him to come home with her.
He notices that she is quite a bit older than him, so he comes out and asks her age. She replies, "I'm 54."
He thinks to himself, Wow 54, that's kind of old, but oh well, there's not many other woman in here tonight and she is attractive.
So he goes home with her.
As they walk in the door, she says,
"How do you feel about team sex?"
The young man said, "What do you mean?"
"You know, like mother daughter" she replied.
At this point, the man is thinking he's hit the jackpot.
This woman has a lovely young daughter that he's about to get lucky with.
He wholeheartedly agrees.
The woman yells up the stairs.......
"Mom, you still awake???"
Q: What are three, 2 - letter words that mean small...
A: "is it in"..?
Dentist Appointment..
One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says
"I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear
"Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
The bride tells her husband,
"Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.
So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Simply turning his head, He YELLS at her,
"Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY?"
