Saturday, November 29, 2008

Hearing Aids..

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used
to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called
the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal
test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a
better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do,"
said the Doctor, "stand about
40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational
speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet,
and s o on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen
cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away,
let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks,
"Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen,
about 30 feet from his wife and repeats,
"Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where
he is about 20 feet from his wife
and asks, "Honey , what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's
for
dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her.

"Honey, what's for dinner?"


(you'll just love this!)

James, for the FIFTH time I've said, "CHICKEN!"

Wanna get Married...?

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"


She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was,


"Yes, lollipop...but at the bar...you know...they
have frozen glasses."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

"You want a frozen glass, puppyface?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just
holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said,

"Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.
I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"


She opened the oven and took out
5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: Chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

"LISTEN UP, D***HEAD! DRINK YOUR F***ING BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER-F***ING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, & YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, AS**OLE?"

...and, they lived happily ever after.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Parental Wisdom Filipino Style.

Hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan ang mga mumunti ngunit ginintuang butil na payo na nakuha ko sa aking mga magulang.


1. Si Inay, tinuruan niya ako HOW TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE :

"Kung kayong dalawa ay magpapatayan, doon kayo sa labas! Mga leche kayo, kalilinis ko lang ng bahay."

2. Natuto ako ng RELIGION kay Itay:

"Kapag yang mantsa di natanggal sa carpet, magdasal ka na!"

3.Kay Inay ako natuto ng LOGIC :

"Kaya ganyan, dahil sinabi ko."

4. At kay Inay pa rin ako natuto ng MORE LOGIC:

"Pag ikaw nalaglag diyan sa bubong, ako lang mag-isa ang manonood ng sine."

5. Si Inay din ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng IRONY:

"Sige ngumalngal ka pa at bibigyan talaga kita ng iiyakan mo!"

6. Si Inay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang CONTORTIONISM:

"Tingnan mo nga yang dumi sa likod ng leeg mo, tingnan mo!!!"

7. Si Itay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng STAMINA:

"Wag kang tatayo diyan hangga't di mo nauubos lahat ng pagkain mo!"

8. At si Inay ang nagturo sa amin kung ano ang WEATHER:

"Lintek talaga kayo, ano ba itong kuwarto nyong magkapatid, parang dinaanan ng bagyo!"

9. Ganito ang paliwanag sa akin ni Inay tungkol sa CIRCLE OF LIFE:

"Malandi kang bata ka, iniluwal kita sa mundong ito, maari rin kitang alisin sa mundong ito."

10. Kay Itay ako natuto kung ano ang BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:

"Tumigil ka nga diyan! Huwag kang umarte na parang Nanay mo!"

11. Si Inay naman ang nagturo kung anong ibig sabihin ng GENETICS:

"Nagmana ka nga talaga sa ama mong walanghiya!"

12. Si Inay naman ang nagpaliwanag sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin ng ENVY :

"Maraming mga batang ulila sa magulang. Di ba kayo nagpapasalamat at mayroon kayong magulang na tulad namin?"

13. Si Itay naman ang nagturo sa akin ng ANTICIPATION :

"Sige kang bata ka, hintayin mong makarating tayo sa bahay!"

14. At si Itay pa rin ang nagturo kay Kuya kung anong ibig sabihin ng RECEIVING:

"Uupakan kita pagdating natin sa bahay!"

15. Si Inay naman ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang HUMOR:

"Kapag naputol yang mga paa mo ng pinaglalaruan mong lawnmower, wag na wag kang tatakbo sa akin at lulumpuhin kita!"

16. At ang pinakamahalaga sa lahat, natutunan ko kina Inay at Itay kung ano ang JUSTICE :

"Balang araw magkakaroon ka rin ng anak...tiyak magiging katulad mo at magiging sakit din sa ulo!"

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Strange but true coincident...



After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.


Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.


When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged line.


If you tell the boss you were late for work because
you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.



In a very busy day, your boss only approaches you when you are taking a break.


If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.


When the body is immersed in water, the phone begins to ring.


The probability of meeting someone you know increases
when you are with someone you don¡¯t want to be seen with.



When you try to prove to someone that the machine will not work, it will.


The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.


At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last


As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, the boss will ask you to do something that will last till your coffee is cold.


You remember you have to mail a letter when you are near the mailbox.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Like it....? like ko din eh..!

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Great Truths...

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . not peeing in your pants.

SOME MOTHERLY ADVICE...
· Always change your underwear; you never know when you'll have an accident.
· Don't make that face or it'll freeze in that position.
· Be careful or you'll put someones eye out.
· What if everyone jumped off a cliff? Would you do it, too?
· You have enough dirt behind those ears to grow potatoes!
· Close that door! Were you born in a barn?
· If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
· Don't put that in your mouth, you don't know where it's been!! .

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

AT WAL-MART,we got it all.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria,
Joe says to Mike behind him,


"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks,
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."


That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for g ood measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!


Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart .

Pinoy Jokes...

Anak: Nay, totoo ba na "1st love nver dies?"
Nanay: Oo nman! Tingnan nyo yang ama nyo 1st love ko,
hanggang ngayon buhay pa ang hinayupak, d p mamatay n lng!

*****
Attorney: Nsan k ng mangyari ang rape?
Witness: Sa maisan po!
Attorney: Anong gingawa mo don?
Witness: Tumatae po!
Attorney: Ilang hakbang ka mula sa krimen?
Witness: Pucha nman attorney! meron bang tumatae na
pahakbang-hakbang?
*****
Boy: Cno matapang?! Lumabas matapang jan!
Lalaking madaming tattoo: Ako matapang...! Bakit?!
Boy: Survey lng po.... O ung mga duwag nman ......
*****
Boy1: Tanungin mo ako ng English, sasagutin kita ng Spanish.
Boy2: What is mor important? Heart or Mind?
Boy 1: Spanish!!!
*****

Mr: kung marunong ka lang sanang maglaba,
eh di nakakatipid sana tayo ng 2000 sa maid.
Mrs: hmmph!! kung ikaw magaling sa kama,
eh di nakatipid tayo ng 7500 sa driver!
*****
Son: Ma, bakit kayo tumatalbog sa ibabaw ni daddy??
Mom: Wala anak, pinapaliit ko lang tiyan ng Daddy mo.
Son: Nye! Mapapagod ka lang kasi hinihipan din uli yan ni yaya!
*****
A black baby was given a pair of wings by a fairy....
Baby: does this mean im an angel??
Fairy laughs....
Fairy: Of course not! negrang 'to, ambisyosa! Paniki ka!
*****
Nanay: anak, hindi ka ba nahihiya??! linis ako nang linis dito tapos
ikaw, naglalaro lang jan?!!
Anak: Nay, hindi ba mas nakakahiya kung ako ang naglilinis jan at
ikaw ang naglalaro dito?? toink...
*****
In a petshop...
Customer (talking to a parrot): "Hoy! can you speak ha? can u speak?
BOBO!'....
Parrot: Yes, I can! Ikaw? Can u fly, ha? Can u fly? GAGO!
*****
Ama: May taning na buhay ko.
Pag ako'y namatay wag niyo ibenta yung
lupa sa likod ng bahay...
Anak: Din naman atin yun Ama..
Ama: Kaya nga wag mo ibenta dahil hindi atin yun!!
*****
Bigo sa pag-ibig??
Maghanap na lng ng....
KUBA - Mapagkumbaba
PILAY - Di ka tatakbuhan
BULAG - Wala paki sa looks
PIPI - Di nagbibitiw ng bad words.
at eto the best....
DULING - Di ka hahayaan mag-isa!
*****
Magkaibigan kumakain...
Pedro: Anong palaman ng tinapay mo?
Juan: Kiso!
Pedro: Kiso? Ano ka ba nakakahiya ka! Hindi yan kiso!
Chess yan.. CHESS!!
*****
Anong tawag sa uod na nasa gitna ng kalsada??... ..
E di matapang!! c'',)
*****
2 Baliw nagtanungan...
Baliw1: Bakit ang airplane, pag umiikot ang elisi, umaangat sa lupa??
Bakit ung bintilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesa pa rin??
Baliw2: Tanga ka pala e! kasi ung bintilador may kurdon,
pinipigilan yon!
*****
3 Baliw sa Mental nagkukuwentuhan. ..
B1: Ako presidente dito!
B2: Wala ka sa akin! ako si Bush, Presidente sa America!
B1: Sino nagsabi?
B2: Ang Diyos!
B3: At kelan kita sinabihan??
*****
Prof : Who among you experienced having sex with a ghost??
Juan raised his hand...
Prof : Really?? How does it feel to have sex with a ghost?
Juan: Ay pucha! Akala ko goats!!
*****
Teacher: Jigs, ano susunod sa 7?
Jigs: 8 po!
Teacher: Sa 2?
Jigs: 3 po!
Teacher : Ang galing mo! sino nagturo sayo?
Jigs: Tatay ko po!
Teacher: O sige, ano susunod sa 10?
Jigs: Jack po!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Friday, November 21, 2008

A Grammatically Challenged Love Story...!

I thought Jay's ex-girlfriend was really out of our lives.
But heaven only goes that I was wrong.
Kakakasal pa lang namin nun when Jay received a unanimous text.
"Meet me at the clinic."
I had a stinking feeling in my butt.
I told him not to go. It might in danger him.
Pero sabi niya, ok lang daw because life is what we make. Tumahimik na lang ako. Sabi niya,
"Penny for you talks."
But I didn't know what to say.
Beggars can't be losers.
Isa pa, worried talaga ako na baka yung girl yun.
Jay said, "Can't got your tongue?"
I tried to smile at him.
Kahit di ako nagsalita, actions speak
louder than works, di ba?
Be that as is may, umalis pa rin siya.
I was out of the loophole.
After a few hours, I called him on his cellphone.
But my calls fell on Jeff's ears.
Lalo akong nag-worry kasi I didn't even know Jeff.
Sabi na nga ba di na dapat umalis si Jay.
That's what I'm talking about it.
So I tried calling some friends who will help me find Jay.
That's what friends are for naman di ba?
But I just faced a blank mall.
I had to do this alone.
Nag-taxi na lang ako.
Pero ang mahal na pala ng plug-down rate.
When I got to the clinic, the security was really buffed up.
Di basta-basta makakapasok.
So I said,
"I beg your cordon.
I'm patient. It's my favorite virtue nga eh."
Nagduda yata yung isang guard.
Hinawakan ako sa arm. The nerd! I shouted,
"Don't touch me not!"
Buti na lang the other guards were nice and said,
"Come on, let's join us."
When I went inside, parang I've been there, done there.
Nung walang nakatingin, nag-explore ako.
Nakarating ako sa top floor and I had a bird's IQ of the clinic.
I could not explain it but I was drawn to a room on the floor. Siguro Divine Intermission na yun.
Parang may narinig akong umuungol.
I was thorn.
Di ko alam kung aalis ba ako o papasukin ko.
It made me stick in the stomach to think
that Jay and his ex-girlfriend were there.
I tried to tell myself to slower my expectations.
But to tell with it!
I had to strike while the iron is not.
I had to hear the truth from the corpse's mouth.
I barraged in.
O my gas! Si Jay, naka-strap sa operating table,
parang genie pig sa isang nakakatakot na experiment.
He was on the cutting edge.
He was bleeding.
At ang doctor na nagpapahirap sa kanya,
ang ex-girlfriend niya at ang bago nitong boyfriend,
ang nurse na si Walter.
Doon ko napatunayang blood is thicker than Walter.
Guess watch?
Di ko alam kung paano ko nagawa pero
I was able to search and rescue Jay.
Siguro adrenaline brush na yun.
Now, he's recovering.
Nag-sorry siya na hindi siya nakinig sa akin.
I know it's a better pill to swallow your
pride so it's forgive and forget me not.
All swell that end swell.
I know we should kiss and put on makeup.
Ang ex-girlfriend naman niya at si Walter, nakakulong na. Detention is really better than cure.

So the moral of the lesson is: if symptoms persist, insult your doctor.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Kung Pinoy si Noah...

Para sa lahat ng PINOY.

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Patalastas muna, sisingitan ko muna ng hindi joke para lang paghahanda sa nalalapit na eleksyon...

Kung Pinoy si Noah...


Ganito ang mangyayari sa barko...


Taong 2007 at isang ordinaryong middle class Pinoy si Noah.

Nagpakita sa kanya ang Diyos at sinabing..

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"Pagkatapos ng isang taon ay bubuhos ang ulan at babahain ang buong kapuluan ng Pilipinas

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Gusto kong gumawa ka ng isang malaking arko

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at isakay mo rito ang pares-pares na mga
hayop

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at mga mag-asawang pilipino sa iba't ibang kapuluan."

Ibinigay kay Noah ang "specs" ng arko at taos puso nitong tinanggap ang responsibilidad na sagipin ang sambayanang Pilipino sa napipintong pagbaha.

Lumipas ang taon, muling nagpakita ang Diyos kay Noah.

Walang arkong nagawa si Noah at galit na galit siyang tinanong ng Diyos,

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"Nasaan ang arko na ipinagawa ko sa iyo? "Tumugon si Noah,"Patawarin po ninyo ako kung di po natupad ang utos ninyo! Nagkaroon po ng malaking problema sa plano po ninyo."

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At inilahad ni Noah ang mga sagabal na nakaharap niya sa pag-gawa ng arko. Humingi siya ng Mayor's permit

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pero papayag lang daw si Mayor kung ang gagawa ng arko ay ang construction firm ng kanyang pamangkin. Tumungo siya sa Congressman pero
papayag lang daw si Congressman kung may matatanggap siyang 30% commission.

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Nagtayo ng unyon ang mga kinuha niyang manggagawa at nag-strike.


'Old Party' Workers Demonstration Pictures, Images and Photos
Natunugan ng mga left-leaning groups ang kanyang balak at ang mga ito ay nag-rally dahil daw sa hindi
makatarungang pagpili ng mga taong sasakay sa arko (mga taong naniniwala lang sa Diyos ang pwedeng sumakay).

Hitler Painting Pictures, Images and Photos

Nakisali sa rally ang mga bakla
at tomboy dahil bias daw na normal na mag-asawa lang ang pwedeng sumakay.

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Ang civil society group ay nakisali na rin sa gulo dahil napag-alaman daw nila na ang pondong gagamitin sa paggawa ng arko ay galing sa donasyon ng mga
gambling lords at katas ng hueteng .

$$$$$$ Pictures, Images and Photos

Sa kaguluhang ito ay napilitang magpatawag ng hearing ang senado "in aid of legislation". Sinubukan ni Noah na gamitin ang EO 464 para makaiwas sa hearing pero dahil hindi sya executive official, napilitan siyang tumistigo.


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Nang malaman ng senado na utos ng Diyos ang pagpapagawa ng arko, dineklara nila itong unconstitutional dahil hindi raw nito iginalang ang separasyon ng simbahan at state

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. Nakialam na rin ang NBI at PNP at sinabi nilang meron silang impormasyon na ang barko raw na ito ay gagamitin ni Erap sa kanyang pagtakas.
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Sinabi naman ng ISAFP at DOJ na ito raw ay gagamitin ng grupong Magdalo sa binabalak nilang coup laban kay Arroyo.
Vietnam Soldiers Pictures, Images and Photos

Nilapitan ni Noah si Mike Defensor para makipag-usap kay GMA.

Payag daw si GMA na ituloy ang arko kung ipapaskil daw sa arko ang malaking mukha ni Arroyo na may slogan,

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"Towards a Strong Republic".

"Hindi po ako pumayag kaya hanggang ngayon po ay may TRO ang pag-gawa ng arko. Sa palagay ko po kailangan ko pa ng 10 taon para matapos ang inyong proyekto". Ang huling wika ni Noah.

Napa-iling ang Diyos at sinabing,

"Di ko na kailangang wasakin pa ang bansang ito. Hayaan ko na lang kayong sumira nito."

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

7 Katotohanan sa Mundo...

1st, Lahat ng nakikita mo ay hindi iyo.


















2nd, Hindi mo kayang bilangin ang buhok mo.


















3rd, hindi lahat ng ngipin ay abot ng dila mo.




































4th, Susubukan ng mga tanga ang pangatlo.



















5th, ang pangatlo ay mali ...



















6th, Mapapangiti ka kasi nagmukha kang tanga.


















7th, Ipapasa mo sa iba para makaganti ka! hahahaha!!..









BELAT!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Huhuhu...Nakakaiyak part 2



1.Sumakit ulo ko dito parang ang golo lolz.
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2.Oy wala raw syang tissue bumili ka raw ng gamit na..
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3.Kakatakot namang keso toh..
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4.Wow kaya mo yan reynz? magconstruct ng own water?
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5.Ha?wag ka daw tumalon sa lift dahil bagsak mo sa jail..
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6.Oo, Japon sya kaya wa sya gamit ng "L" kaya "R" nalang..
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7.Wow they even have a room for this..
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8.Sus ginuo, bisitang ginawang tinapa, maghanap ka kung san ka pwede mag smoke..
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9.Oy yung mga horny dyan, good news para sa inyo..
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10.Sus, ibang klase to ayaw yata ng costumer..
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11.O ayan my chilled magazine na..hot kaya meron?
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12.Ayyy kaloka..
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13.Dont forget magdasal habang naka ipod..
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14.Hmm, mag apply kaya ako dito...
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